What if you have a different sexual desire in a relationship? When one wants more and the other less

If the relationship is romantic, the couple usually does not address sexual frequency. It is more than satisfactory and they enjoy it enough. Corn after about a year, the sexual frequency of the relationship decreases. In the years to come, certain situations could contribute to this. These are certainly stress, the birth of a child, aging, the side effects of medication, certain states of physical and mental health, a strong professional or sporting commitment, a significant physical change in one of the partners, financial problems and other life changes. For one, sex becomes less interesting, but the other still wants it. However, the two begin to sink into frustration. One that he has to reject sexual offers, the other that he is rejected. There are accusations, insults, pressure and subsequent thefts. This is not a one-size-fits-all relationship problem, as today differences in desire are one of the main reasons couples seek out sex therapists. It is also becoming a common reason for relationship breakdown.

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Diversity in sexual desire is common, but it needs to be talked about

Libido is a very individual matter and is influenced by many factors such as age, hormonal activity or body psyche. If one partner in a relationship has a higher sexual need than the other, it is not appropriate to suppress that need. It is a certain route to frustration and nervousness.

There is no point in anger and anger that one wants power and the other less. If you’re not on the same sex wave as your partner, don’t get mad at them. Instead, find the cause and communicate. In fact, it’s very common for couples, especially long-term couples, to experience a libido mismatch at some point. According to a 2015 study, 80% of couples have experienced a “conflict of wishes” with their partner in the last month. And despite gender stereotypes about heterosexual relationships, it’s not just high-libido men and low-libido partners. “About 60% of the couples I see in my clinical practice are women who have a higher sexual desire“said sex therapist Gila Shapiro.

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A different sexual need does not mean the end of a relationship

It is important to speak humanely about all disagreements in a relationship. Don’t try to suggest anything without words. Some people need to hear about their counterpart’s needs and then they can meet some more.

“If one needs sex more often than the other, there is no good response from the counterpart in the sense of ‘finding a lover.’ Such a solution usually results in the end of the relationship. More frequent masturbation is recommended for people whose so-called counterparts do not catch up with them and want to maintain a relationship. There are already a number of options, techniques and tools for this. Not only vibrators, but also various clitoral stimulators or Venus balls and male masturbators”, points out the way and the possibilities of resolving differences in desire, sexologist MUDr. Marek Broul, Ph.D., of Masaryk Hospital in Ústí nad Labem.

The situation has a solution

What to do when sexual desire starts to differ in a relationship? Before deciding to consult an expert, you can try to solve the problem yourself by following his advice. It is always important that both partners work to resolve the problem.

ask yourself a question

Do you really want sex? Or are there other needs, such as more time together, proof of love from a partner, non-sexual affection, a touch or caress? Despite the differences in desires, couples generally feel closer when they cuddle more, attend social events together, and show empathy.

Find out when you have energy and what you love

When you’re exhausted and can’t keep up, sex is probably the last thing on your mind. Identifying the day and time when you typically have the most energy, and then finding out where you and your energy partner overlap, can help you plan good times for sex. Don’t hesitate to say, “I have a lot of work to do until Thursday, but I would like to take care of you on Friday evening.” Do you like long sexual caresses? Directing sex in the morning, when you have 10 minutes of time and the day ahead of you, is not going to be the most appropriate. Do you like hot baths, sexy lingerie? Find out what makes you feel good and what makes you feel sexy. What excites you? Will it bring relaxation? Bring sexual tension into the relationship.

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negotiate a compromise

“If one partner wants to have sex twice a week, while the other is happy with once a month, their average would be four to five times a month. But averages don’t matter. The challenge is to find a frequency you can both live with. For couples over 50, the frequency varies from day to day, with surveys showing the most typical frequency for older lovers two to three times a month,” sex therapist Michael Castleman points out how to approach trade-off.

Involving aids and erotic ideas

“Clients often turn to us for advice on how to manage a different need for sex with a partner. First of all, it is important not to launch scathing remarks, such as: “You are not enough for me, it was still too short” or, conversely, “You are not normal that you please again”. Mutual blame creates aversion and widens the gap between partners. If to each other the partners on the contrary By speaking kindly to each other and respecting each other, they can find a way to meet their different needs. For example, they may involve erotic in-game aids during intimate moments. They will satisfy even the most passionate partners during joint games and masturbation. The offer of help is wide. Start with small things and find out,” says Vojtěch Sláma, founder of online store for healthy sexuality Yoo.cz

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Plan your sex

It sounds weird, but it works. Sexologists themselves recommend it. Why? Because the planned duration of sex assures the partner with higher desire that lovemaking will actually happen and assures the partner with lower desire that it will only happen when intercourse is planned. The moment a couple plans to have sex, the tension in the relationship eases. You may come across your friend’s funny phrases that they have “love Wednesdays” every week, you find it spontaneous and overly planned, but in a long term relationship or a relationship where they face a desire different, with maximum efficiency. Of course, no sex schedule is set in stone and saying that a train doesn’t pass by there can be gaps, so plan your sex over 3 months, for example. If that doesn’t work, talk again.

However, with the sex plan, a question may come: “What if there is a day when we have sex planned and I’m not in the mood?” “Partners with weaker desires always ask this question, but the problem usually turns out to be less problematic than they fear. As planning reduces the tension due to sex, the relationship improves. Therefore, it is more natural for a partner with a lower desire to want sex,” explains Michael Castleman. People with higher sexual desire should not demand more sex, and partners with lower desire should not cancel dates for which sex is planned or postpone it for no reason.

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Dragging, cuddling and cuddling

When couples adjust to their sexual relationships, non-sexual affection and behavior return to the relationship. How is it possible? It’s because the feeling relaxes and disappears that when I hug the other, caress him, kiss him, it’s immediately a sex proposal. The fear of misinterpretation disappears. When non-sexual behavior turns into sex and they both want it, that’s just a nice bonus. Couples who face differences in their desires often marvel at their lack of nonsexual affection and rediscover how crucial it is to a relationship and to their own well-being.

Don’t be ashamed of your expert help

If sexual compromises, plans, erotic aids or communication do not work for you and the difference in sexual desire persists and worsens, do not hesitate to contact a specialist before this problem destroys your relationship.

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