Family relationships can sometimes be at least as complicated and demanding as romantic relationships. Even with our loved ones, we can easily get into conflicts that seem unresolved. Here too, relational mediators can help, who see everything with clairvoyance and objectivity. That’s why Kristýna wrote Mediator Kateřina Bělková.
I need some advice to deal with a situation that annoys me more and more. I’m two years older stepsister, my father has her from a previous relationship, she lives with us because her mother died when she was little. He’s a terrible “nerd”, but not in a negative sense. Not that I don’t like him, on the contrary, we have a very good relationship, even if we are different. Or maybe that’s why.
Neli is very ambitious, cautious, she has a clear goal, which she pursues, but also terribly kind, sometimes too discreet for my taste, introverted and so adult sensible. I’m pretty stupid, I like company, I have a lot of friends, hobbies. And my parents, especially my father, constantly defined me as Neli’s model.
Maybe Neli already knows from kindergarten that she wants to become a doctor, and she is doing everything for it, she is still learning, she is interested in everything related to this field, but she does not have much left time for her normal life, she has no other hobbies, not even real friends, just learning.
School doesn’t cause me any big problems, I have average grades and that’s enough for me. But thanks to this, I have time for my beloved dance, which is my biggest hobby, my passion and my lifestyle. Neli now has a high school diploma and is preparing for medical exams. I’m in second year, and I’m not sure about my future, and I have no idea if I want to go to college. I certainly know that I would like to continue dancing, but I’m afraid that in combination with studying at university, it won’t come together anymore. I also thought that maybe I would try to travel somewhere in the world in high school, I am drawn to South America, my homeland latin american dancesthat I take care of.
But when I just brought it up in front of my parents, I was met with clear rejection and felt that if I didn’t go to college, they might inherit me. Of course, a lecture followed immediately, to take an example from my older sister that I should also choose a normal area and focus on it. But I have already chosen – Dance.
I see the biggest problem in that as Neli still sees me as a role model, I slowly start to feel for her grudgehow many times am I mad at her, which she can’t really blame at all, but I can’t help it. I went to see her in a really disgusting way recently, just because she was teaching all weekend, it pisses me off terribly. And she’s pretty nice to me now, which I’m sorry about.
How do I tell my parents that their negative attitude towards my life wishes evokes in me the opposite and wants less and less to study? And should I tell Neli that she can’t blame her, that she annoys me sometimes, how perfect she is in everything? I feel very embarrassed about it, I’m probably just jealous of her and I should probably apologize to her. Do you think an apology can help make our relationship the same? If my question is embarrassing, I apologize and feel free to delete it.
Thank you for your question and I want to assure you up front that no questions are embarrassing. It is certainly very good that you care about your relationships with your loved ones and want to take care of them.
As for the parents, it would certainly be good to talk to them about your future in peace. Ask them to take their time and nothing bothered you during this conversation. Try to prepare points in advance, how you imagine your future, what you want to do with it and do not hesitate to describe your vision to them. Your parents will ask them to let you speak first so you can say whatever is on your mind. Be as specific as possible, you can have more variations of yours to come up you see. When you tell your parents everything, let them tell you what they think. Then try to find a variant that will be acceptable to all of you.
That’s really nice travel abroad and pursue your dream, however, you need to be prepared for how you will earn a living abroad, where you will live and where you will get the means to travel. If you’re clear about this and it’s not just an idea, but a really well-thought-out plan, maybe your parents will be more accommodating to your wishes.
At the same time, tell your parents what makes you a role model for your sister. Speak in a concise, clear and caring way, this message can look like, for example: “I feel inferior, it hurts me when you take me for Neli as a role model, I need your confidence to be able to pursue my goal.”
And when it comes to your sister, if you feel like you haven’t done it right, an apology is definitely the way to go. A sincere apology can do wonders, and if you admit to your sister how you really feel, I think she will forgive you and your relationship will be the same again.
I wish you success in your dream and at the same time have the support of your loved ones.