As humans, we are endowed with the ability to remember meaningful past experiences, a great capacity of our mind. But she is especially fascinated by traumas and unpleasant moments and leads us to relive them again and again, moreover slightly colored or inflated. And so we’re constantly spinning around in the circle of the past and experiencing stress in the present and all these terrible feelings like we did then. We focus on strength, new opportunities and good humor. Moreover, when we verbalize our returns to the past and repeat them to the people around us, we also destroy them.
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As the mother of my longtime colleague Zdenka. Even though Zdenka’s mother and father had been divorced for 20 years, she had to remember almost every weekend how terrible life was with him. It was not enough for Zdeněk to mention that my father went to the theater last week, and my mother immediately began that when they were together he never took her to the theater, there was no time for whatever it was, he wasn’t interested in culture…
For Zdeněk, that meant thinking about everything to talk to my mother about, so as not to go back in time. Maybe it’s a similar case for you, maybe your open past is a heated exchange with a colleague, maybe an embarrassing situation in front of friends you’ve been avoiding ever since. What unites all the examples? what about them we cannot forget, step out of their influence and destroy our present lives because of them. We are people and we will not get rid of thoughts of the past, but flashbacks can be limited so as not to slow us down.
Why do we have to go back?
“If you’re still going back to your thoughts and you can’t get away from it, it’s very likely that you’re dealing with an ‘open case’ that constantly demands your attention because it wants to close.” explains Andrej Naščák, psychologist of the online counseling center MOJRA.cz and explains why this happens. “It is often a situation or a relationship in which something has not been fully experienced and consciously expressed.”
August 12, 2021
It may be a regret that we haven’t apologized yet. Fear of it happening again; that we break up or embarrass ourselves during the presentation. It is often anger that does not allow our past to sleep. An anger that we only felt within ourselves and never expressed. Blame it on the fact that we may not have told the whole truth and that this complicated the situation. What is behind the obsessive recall of the past?
What’s inside must come out
And literally. With all the confessions, repressed feelings and sincerity. “The basis is to confess and realize the feelings that the situation has evoked in you, but you suppress them. We often want to forgive and forget, but somewhere inside we always feel sad, wronged or angry, and these emotions must first be realised, often expressed, and therefore directed towards the closure of the whole situation, “ recommends Naščák. We have to constantly stop what if: what if I don’t start a business then, I don’t marry Marta, what if I say what I really think…
Coach Hana Mezerová in the podcast How to leave the past on Life as a Game explains why it’s necessary: ”These thoughts also block us for future relationships and decisions. We draw old feelings into new things and repeat old mistakes, or we can’t budge.” Remorse is here with us everyday and we are unable to stop it. Yes we keep pulling on the past, we do it because it’s become our habitin which we feel confident or constantly desire to understand others.
There are several methods that can help you disengage from the past. If you feel that these recurring ideas are already becoming a problem and nothing can stop them, it’s time to contact an expert in the form of a coach or a psychologist. But before going to a professional, you can try self-medication. Andrej Naščák recommends writing. “Self-help can help by writing a letter on the situation addressed to the person with whom the situation is related. This makes it easier for you to realize your often unwanted feelings. It’s up to you if you decide to throw the letter away or if it’s important for you to send it. »
It is a very simple method that helps. When you write, don’t stay grounded, really write down what bothered you, how you felt about the situation, how much it hurt you, what you’re afraid of, and write and write. You will see for yourself that your hand and your mind will not stop until you take everything out of you.
July 11, 2021
Dominika Nicha Marhoul, the author of the book, also used this method From depression to happinesswhere he describes his journey since the depression. One of them was the need for forgiveness. “I understood why it was good to let the past go, but I was afraid of losing a piece of it. ‘I took a paper and wrote everything down. I hate myself, what I I did and what I didn’t. I opened myself to all those feelings for a while. No judgments, no warnings, no comments. No one will ever see it, I thought. And she wrote a thing after the other. Words, feelings, sentences, tastes, pretty much everything that came. The longer I wrote, the faster it came out. Then suddenly I ran out of words. Suddenly I was looking at three articles fully described. I felt a space within me…I felt reconciled to what had happened. “
If you don’t want to write, speak. Tell yourself everything out loud. You can even record it and then it’s up to you whether you delete the recording or send it to the ears that need to hear it. Both will be a big step forward to stop being a slave to the past and become the architect of the future.
June 17, 2021