As a child, you looked for role models around you. If you’ve seen unhealthy patterns and dysfunctional communication, you’ve probably learned to imitate them, albeit unintentionally. Even if you do the opposite, you are not guaranteed to succeed. So where is the key to a happy adult relationship?
The first and biggest trauma that has affected many partnerships and marriages is the fear of abandonment. Children who have been rejected and unloved at home tend to have a hard time not putting too much pressure on their partner or, conversely, chasing them away for fear of the pain their leaving would cause them. If your relationship is jealous or exclusive, turn to your family of origin and deal with the trauma that comes with it.
Rules of positive selfishness: You have to take care of yourself first!
Quarrels and silence
He who often gets angry at home and whose partner gets angry with even insignificant trifles was over-criticized in his childhood or witnessed criticism between parents. He learned that frustration is a natural solution to a relationship problem. He cannot tolerate each other’s imperfections and mistakes.
Do you need a lot of space and time for yourself and do you need it in a relationship? Such desires arise in childhood if it was chaotic and unpredictable for you. Children are constantly disturbed by constant changes, moves, in-laws, locker rooms, confusing trips and other nervous stimuli. This then results in neuroses and fears, which can only be appeased by an environment which, in adulthood, is controlled only by themselves.
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Rule and topic
Money is also a sensitive issue – does the relationship between unevenly distributed financial responsibilities and domestic responsibilities worry you? For some, this manifests as a reluctance to depend on others and to accept help. Other times, you push your partner to be completely dependent on you and start abusing them. Both extremes stem from unmet childhood needs and must be accommodated.
Childhood trauma is also when you stay too long in a relationship that no longer works. When we grow up in an unstable environment where parents struggle with illness, drug addiction, or other personal issues, we feel guilty as children. And it keeps us from leaving a dysfunctional relationship as adults. We feel compelled to fix it and heal it. Because staying with the wrong partner is better for us than being alone.
I am really sick ! How to accept it and report everything to the family?
Goodbye and a scarf
Even the way we handle conflict reflects the environment in which we grew up. Constant bickering, as well as a morbid desire to avoid confrontation, stems from the family of origin. If you didn’t learn how to have a healthy and fruitful conversation as a child, you need to learn it now. Including how to end the argument and move on.
If you simply leave the relationship and start a new one, you will also benefit from child trauma therapy. This is called serial monogamy, i.e. chaining relationships one after another, instead of working on the original one. With every new partner comes the hope that you won’t have to take care of anything, it will just happen on its own.
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Fear of commitment is one of the most well-known consequences of childhood trauma. If your parents didn’t make you feel safe, they left you, you couldn’t trust them, you almost wouldn’t trust anyone else in life. Reluctance to relate to someone is your protection against further disappointment. The constant criticism of the partner works the same way. Because you couldn’t change your parents when you were little, you now constantly walk around your husband or your boyfriend and try to change him. Edit, personalize. And thus take control of the relationship.
But how about changing it so that old wounds don’t ruin your life? The first step is self-reflection. The second therapy. And you will find the others yourself – journaling, group therapy, spiritual progress… The correction of old wrongs lies in active personal growth.